Navigating Relationships Across Political Divides
We live in an incredibly politically and ideologically charged time. The current climate is marked by deeply impactful issues that strike at the most fundamental human rights and how we, as a society, treat one another and our most vulnerable.
Although these issues concern much larger, systemic structures, the way we discuss them can impact our most personal relationships. Navigating political and ideological divides can feel difficult and messy, especially with those closest to us. I’ve seen families torn apart and friendships of multiple decades broken by these disagreements.
The specific issues currently under debate and the motives that drive each person’s position are far too complex and varied for me to capture. I will focus on the process of how we approach a given position and relate to those who agree and disagree with us, rather than the content of any one particular charged issue.
Three Profiles in Debate
When it comes to politically charged conversations, I see three general “profiles” of people. For the sake of simplicity, we’ll call them One-Siders, Other-Siders, and Both-Siders.
One-Siders and Other-Siders are people who take strong, opposing positions on a particular issue. They both tend to care deeply and are motivated by a desire to ease suffering or create sustainable well-being—for their own group, for marginalized groups, and/or for society at large.
There are countless iterations of One-Siders, Other-Siders, and the position each takes. One (grossly generalized) way of understanding these is that One-Siders are typically more idealistic. They’re focused on justice, empathy, and the possibility of change. They stand with vulnerable groups who’ve been targeted or scapegoated by those in power. Other-Siders tend to be more pragmatic. They’re concerned with safety, stability, and the harder truths of human nature. They may feel protective of their own and focused on what they see as real-world constraints.
Both-Siders may align more closely with one group or the other, but they have enough distance to approach both with some degree of openness and receptivity. They value understanding what motivates each side and want to make space for nuance and complexity.
At first glance, this group may appear the most balanced and relationally sound. However, as you will see, they present their own relationship challenges.
How These Groups Relate (or Don’t)
One-Siders with Other-Siders:
This relationship is the most charged and conflict-prone. One-Siders often view Other-Siders as prejudiced, uncaring, or out of touch with those who suffer. Other-Siders often see One-Siders as unrealistic, overly sensitive, or unwilling to face hard truths.
Open interactions between these two groups can be emotionally explosive and incredibly hard to manage. Because of this, One-Siders and Other-Siders often prefer to avoid each other altogether rather than confront what the other might trigger in them—sadness for all that is wrong in the world, anger that someone they know took part in creating it, and fear they might say something they’ll later regret.
Both Siders with One-Siders/Other-Siders:
On the surface, Both-Siders can seem better at navigating relationships. They can hear both sides while remaining calm and dispassionate. They may see themselves as more balanced, objective, and capable of nuance.
However, to One-Siders or Other-Siders, Both-Siders can be experienced as dismissive and uncaring. Their attempts to open the One-Sider/Other-Sider’s mind can come across as a willingness to justify the intolerable. When they try to encourage openness, “Just try to see where they’re coming from,” it can land as invalidating the One-Sider/Other-Sider’s very real concerns.
Moving Through Our Differences
In more distant or casual relationships, it is possible to simply limit or avoid interaction. It becomes much more difficult when the person on the other side is someone close—a partner, a parent, a child, a close friend.
Related: “Why Can’t I Let It Go?” When Trivial Arguments Trigger Strong Emotions
How can we maintain contact without compromising our own values?
What follows is a general framework for responding to this question, along with tools you can use to stay connected during emotionally charged conversations. Depending on the quality of the relationship and your own internal landscape, some parts of this framework may resonate more than others. Take what feels relevant, and adapt the rest to fit your particular circumstances.
Create Space
Creating space means allowing yourself room to process your own emotions. Be kind to yourself as you face the unthinkable in the world around you. Instead of attempting to “fix” or defend your feelings, honor what’s real for you in this moment. Creating space is the foundation and prerequisite for everything that follows.
Guidelines for Creating Space
Ask yourself, "What am I feeling right now?"
Is there fear about the future, people I care about, or those who are vulnerable? Am I angry at the people, systems, or policies that brought us here? Do I feel shame for something I said in the past, the privilege I carry, or the ways I may have unknowingly contributed to harm?Let your emotions be as they are.
There’s no right or wrong feeling. The point is not to fix or get rid of uncomfortable emotions, but to hold space for them with compassion.Honor your limits.
If a topic feels too raw to navigate across divides, it’s okay to ask to steer clear of it until it becomes more approachable.For Both-Siders
You might feel the pull to offer perspective, bring balance, or soften tension. Though this comes from a place of caring, it may not be received that way. If someone you love is in pain, your most powerful move is not to offer perspective, but to offer presence. Recognize their pain as real. Value their deep empathy, even if it overwhelms you. Resist the urge to pull them back to “neutrality” or “reason,” and instead use your groundedness to listen more fully. You don’t have to agree with everything they say or abandon your own values, but openness and receptivity begin to feel possible only after someone feels deeply seen and heard.
Dive Deeper
When we argue politically or ideologically, we often react to the most surface version of the other person’s story—the version shaped by our own “side,” not the one actually lived by the person in front of us. Diving deeper means getting curious about what motivates your position, my position, and the reactions we have to each other. It shifts the conversation out of the realm of facts and into the realm of personal story. To dive deeper means sharing the values and experiences that shape each of our belief systems, and naming emotional reactions as they arise, without defensiveness or blame.
These conversations are hard. They take emotional safety and mutual trust, which is why creating space comes first. When that safety is there, we can together explore the answers to deeper questions, not to prove a point, but to share something of ourselves with each other.
Guidelines for Diving Deeper
Ask about the personal meaning of your position
What values make this issue important to me? Do I value safety, fairness, family, tradition, freedom?
Am I protecting something or someone? What am I afraid would happen if I listened to the other’s position?
What past experiences shape how I see this? Have I felt this way before? When? Why?
If there’s enough trust and safety in the conversation, share the answers to these questions—not to convince, but to help the other person understand why this issue matters so much to you.
When the other person shares their side, pay attention to your own reactions.
Does their position trigger defensiveness, sadness, anger, or fear? Acknowledge these emotions and express them without attacking the other person.Try statements like:
“I feel angry/sad/afraid.”
“I notice myself wanting to judge your position.”
“When you say that, I have the urge to pull away or argue back.”
Notice that each of these statements starts with "I," focusing on your internal experience rather than labeling the other person as "wrong." This helps keep the conversation rooted in your own reality rather than in defensiveness or blame.
Listen
Diving deeper into a conversation requires truly listening. It’s easy to shut each other down with the intensity of our own reactions, but listening means approaching the other person with curiosity. It’s about acknowledging, “I don’t know what this means for you. Even if I find your position harmful, the story behind it may be very different from the one I assumed.” To help the other person feel heard, you can ask open-ended questions, reflect back what you hear, and check your understanding with them. This doesn’t mean you agree with them; it simply means you’re willing to stay with them, to connect with the person beneath the position.
This kind of listening and sharing is different from the “Both-Sider” approach, which often focuses on logic, neutrality, and keeping emotion at a distance. Diving deeper requires emotional proximity—being close enough to let each other matter, close enough to be triggered and still remain engaged, and close enough to share not less, but more of ourselves.
Guidelines for Deep Listening
Approach with curiosity.
"I don’t know what this means for you, and I’m open to learning."
Ask open-ended questions.
"Can you tell me more about what you’re thinking?"
"What’s important to you about this?"
Reflect and check understanding.
"What I hear you saying is… Is that right?"
"So, if I understand you correctly, you’re saying…?"
Stay emotionally present.
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with the other person’s position. It just means you’re willing to stay engaged, to understand their experience.
Safety and Trust Can Bridge Divides
Conversations across political divides are difficult. There may be times in your own process when you're simply not ready for them, or relationships that don't have the closeness and safety needed to hold them, and that’s okay. In these moments, you can begin by holding space for your own emotions, allowing yourself the time and space to process what you’re feeling. When there is enough safety and trust, we can together dive deeper and listen more fully, using these conversations as a means to clarify what matters most to each of us. Discussions across political divides can help us better understand both our own and one another’s deeply held beliefs and values.
Seeking support is a sign of strength and commitment—to yourself and others.
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