Feeling Depressed? It Could Be Transitional Grief

by Lindsay Baish-Flynn, MA, NCC

Grief is an umbrella term used to describe a complex set of feelings that accompany loss. Shock. Sadness. Anger. And more.

It’s a natural and expected reaction to loss—usually associated with death. But in reality, grief can be triggered by a loss of anything that matters to us, including those that occur as a result of life’s transitions.

Because our lives are constantly changing, we experience loss regularly. We move out of old homes filled with warm memories. We change jobs and leave behind familiar faces. We end relationships with people that matter to us. On a continual basis, we make choices that close certain chapters in our lives and open new ones. Sometimes, those choices are made for us.

Maybe you've experienced this firsthand. For example, your relationships with friends from high school or college may change or even disappear as you get older and prioritize your families or jobs. Or maybe you used to enjoy a hobby that you left behind when the pressures of adulthood began consuming all your time. 

These seemingly small losses can have a big impact, especially when they add up.

When you become disconnected from things that shape your identity, you might feel a gnawing discomfort as you realize, “I really miss who I used to be.”

The sting of missing what once was is known as transitional grief. It encompasses a mix of feelings you might experience when you incur loss throughout the phases and stages of your life.

“Why Am I Sad?”

Loss is stitched into the human experience. Yet we often barely register—let alone take seriously—our natural reactions to the absence of things that were once part of our lives.

Often, we don’t even realize that we may be grieving.

Clients sometimes say things like, “My life is going pretty well. I have no reason to be unhappy, so why do I feel really ‘blah’?” Or “I feel kind of sad and I don’t know why. Could I be depressed?”

We need to dig a little further to be able to fairly address those questions. Depression is always a possibility when someone feels continuously down. But before we label their experience as depression, it’s important to consider what’s going on in their lives. Transitions. Changes.

Grief—especially transitional grief—frequently goes unrecognized. It can be hard for some people to acknowledge that even positive change can elicit feelings of loss. Landing a new job, moving to a nicer apartment, becoming a parent are all exciting for most people.

But with every yang comes a yin. What about all the colleagues you won’t likely see again? Or the corner café you won’t grab your morning coffee from because you’ve moved crosstown? Or the romantic getaways that will morph into family road trips?

These things may seem insignificant on their own, but when you think of the ways they collectively impact your daily life, sense of community and even identity, they’re anything but.

Is It Transitional Grief—or Depression?

How can you tell the difference between transitional grief and depression, especially given their deceivingly similar appearance? And perhaps more importantly, what can you do to manage your emotional discomfort?

• Take an honest inventory of your recent losses.

Give yourself time and space for quiet reflection. What has changed for you? What people, places, things, feelings, or parts of your identity have you lost that you may miss?

This reflection may bring up hard feelings. Pay attention to what those feelings are beyond the catch-all bucket of “sad.” Are you angry? Lonely? Afraid? Untangling them allows you to explore how each is affecting you.

• Reserve self-judgment.

Know this: Your feelings are valid. You don’t need to justify them or feel guilty for having them. It’s common to dismiss grief (or deem it “silly”)—especially in situations that are largely positive.

If you’re a parent sending your oldest child off to college for the first time, for example, their absence can feel like an intense loss. It doesn’t matter that you’ve prepared for it for months, years—and understand that it’s a natural (and exciting) milestone for your child. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t leave a little hole in your heart every time you walk past their room and notice their neatly made bed.

Quiet the judge inside your head telling you “shouldn’t” feel sad. If it feels like a loss to you, it’s a loss. You’re allowed to feel your feelings.

• Create space to mourn.

Mourning is often confused with grieving, but mourning is the specific expression of sorrow connected to loss. This acknowledgment of loss can take on many forms, from performing a public ritual to lighting a candle in your living room while looking at old photos.

Consider the type of loss you’re experiencing and mourn in a way that feels commensurate with your grief.

• Make meaning from your grief.

According to psychologist William Worden, there are four key tasks of grief: accepting the reality of loss, processing the pain, adjusting to a world without what or who was lost, and finding enduring connections to what or who was lost.

Experts have recently come to believe there is an additional task: making meaning from your loss. Transitional grief is painful, but it’s also an opportunity for growth. Think about what you have learned through change.

How will this experience affect your choices and values moving forward? Is there anything you will do differently that honors what you learned through the loss?

These steps can be a starting point. In some situations, they might be enough.

But give yourself an extra dose of self-compassion if you still have difficulty processing transitional grief. If left unexamined, it can, indeed, lead to depression.

Therapy can provide a safe space for you to work through your transitional grief under the guidance of a trained professional.

Together, we can explore the potential underlying thoughts and feelings fueling your sense of loss. And together, we can find ways for you to process your grief—and move forward with acceptance, integrating this experience into your life’s story.

It’s OK to ask for help.

*In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, we continue to offer telemental health sessions.*

If you’re interested in learning more about psychotherapy for yourself or a family member, please contact us through this online form or call us at 847-729-3034. We’ll be happy to answer any questions you might have.