A Poignant Case Study in Childhood Trauma: “I’m Glad My Mom Died”

It’s a book that has been a topic of conversation everywhere you turn. Perhaps it is due to its polarizing title, or maybe because it’s written by a celebrity author. Personally, I think it’s because once you read it, you are absolutely blown away by her ability to tell such a traumatic story in a way that makes you read it all in one sitting. A rare feat indeed.

Of course, the book I’m describing is Jennette McCurdy’s memoir, I’m Glad my Mom Died.

As I read through it, I couldn’t help but apply psychodynamic theory to events and people in her life. The more I did so, the more that seemed to connect and I wondered if it might be interesting for others to understand as they read through the book themselves. So this will be a different type of book review. In fact I would call it more of a case analysis based on the information given by Jennette during her retelling of her life.

I should also note that all interpretations I make in this post are purely interpretations, and should be taken with a grain (or the whole shaker) of salt. Only Jennette herself knows her own truth, and what resonates with her or not. I am just applying some of the theories and dynamics I have knowledge of that may possibly explain some of the unconscious psychological patterns through the story. I also recommend reading the book before this post, as there will be spoilers.

Balancing Order and Chaos: “What Did I Do Wrong?”

To start out, I think it’s important to highlight the major conflict that is a consistent theme throughout the book. Most notably, we see Jennette struggle with the balance of Order and Chaos in her life. She finds herself floundering to keep a balance, because she has no model of balance in her life to emulate. Her mother is an agent of chaos. This is seen in many ways, but the main way this chaos is seen is her mother’s extremely unstable emotional responses. However, what is predictable is the fact that anything can set her mother off. So one of the ways that Jennette innately tries to balance the chaos in her life is by enmeshing and trying to emotionally regulate for her mother.

In one pointed example, Jennette recounts the time she is attempting to corral her family to make it to church on time. We see a young girl running from one room to the next, a mental checklist being dutifully ticked, as she barks orders to different family members. “Get off the phone!” she yells at her grandmother, “Eat your breakfast quickly!” she says to her brothers. Things are going as well as can be expected; after all, she is running a tight ship. But then disaster strikes. Her brothers filled their cereal bowls too high and milk sloshes over the rims onto the carpet. Panicked, Jennette quickly gets to work cleaning the stain, but it is too late. Her mother steps on the wet carpet and explodes into a rage, ripping off her tights and derailing Jennette’s plan of getting a full three hours of church time.

Sadly, instead of realizing that a little girl cannot control the behavior of her parents and she should spend her energy elsewhere, little Jennette wonders if “there is something I could do differently in the future.” This is a very common defense that children with unpredictable or abusive parents develop.

Children are hardwired to preserve their relationships with parents as they depend on them for survival. In order to preserve a relationship with a parent that is harmful, children will internalize the feelings of disappointment (that should be directed to the parent) to themselves instead. So we see Jennette feel disappointed in herself rather than her mother in this scene. It is also another way that Jennette feels that she is still “in control”, which is much more comforting than the reality (that she is not in control at all and in a very abusive household).

This can be really damaging for the child, as the more this is internalized, the higher the likelihood that the child will start to incorporate those feelings of “badness” into their self-concept. They start to believe they are “bad” and it can cause them to rationalize harmful behaviors directed at them because they feel they deserve it. This can have lasting consequences into adulthood, such as low self-esteem, lack of boundaries with others and an unhealthy reliance on abusive relationships to feel useful in the world.

Chaotic parenting can do a lot of damage if not mitigated by helping forces such as therapy or another stable caregiver.

The “Order” of Church Brings Comfort—and More Insecurity

 It is no wonder that Jennette is so drawn and entranced by her church. Church is often a symbol of order, tradition and rules. Jennette’s church is also of the Church of Latter-day Saints which is well known for its very strict doctrine. For a child who lives in a home built of madness, a place where everyone listens and does what they are told is like a fairytale. It is extremely comforting for Jennette to know while she is in church, she can let go of the reins.

However, the danger of this is that Jennette is quite vulnerable to any critique and while she desperately wants to fit in, she does not. She wants to live in Order, but this is an extreme type of Order. With order comes exclusion, because the more rules and expectations placed on a group of people, the more stratified it will become. People get pushed out if they cannot meet the rules.

We see this as Jennette gets told by another girl at church that people think Jennette and her family are going to go “inactive.” Jennette realizes that her family is considered “second-rate” Mormons, because they don’t embody the ideals that the church is looking for. Again, Jennette does not have control over this, as she is just one person and cannot make up for the behavior of her whole family, but she denies this reality.

Instead, she looks for ways to reassure herself that she is “worthy” and “orderly.” She wants so badly to feel included because she feels so isolated and alien in her own family. For many children with difficult home lives, school can also be a place of sanctuary. Jennette is cut off from this resource by her mother by being homeschooled, leaving church as her only beacon of stability in the stormy seas of life.

Jennette’s psyche finds a way to tackle both the problem of her chaotic family life, and to feel more confident in her membership of her church group. As with many psychological disorders, they often manifest as a way to cope or fill unconscious deficits people struggle with. She develops OCD with a twist. She believes that the intrusive thoughts caused by OCD are actually the “Holy Ghost” speaking to her. Through her OCD, we see that the compulsive behaviors and intrusive thoughts are actually “helpful” for her in the short term. She is able to have the confidence to go through with auditions, and feel like she has control over the outcome if she does the things the “Holy Ghost” tells her to do.

She also gets to feel included and chosen by the “Holy Ghost,” which helps her soothe the anxiety that she doesn’t fit in at church either. Unfortunately, while disorders like this start out as a way to feel like one has more order and control, it quickly deteriorates into more chaos than before in the long run. We see this as OCD gains control over Jennette, and she cannot function without the compulsions. More disappointment. She looks for a different way to gain control over her life, as OCD betrayed her and took away some of the control she truly did have. She places her well-being in the hands of her mother, hoping that if she gives up control of her life completely it will satisfy her mom, which will in turn make Jennette happy too.

Narcissistic Mother Creates Ongoing Drama—and Trauma

Unfortunately, Jennette’s trust is misplaced. While I can never diagnose anyone without meeting them, it is quite clear that Jennette’s mom, Debra, has some sort of personality disorder(s). Debra demonstrates many traits that psychologists define as narcissism. There are generally two categories that narcissists fall into. Overt narcissists tend to make themselves known, whether it be through personality, displays of behavior, outlandish and fantastic stories etc.

All narcissists obsessively care about the image they project to the world (that they are special and irreplaceable), and will become very defensive and angry when someone interferes with that image. At the core of a narcissist’s psyche is a deeply insecure and wounded child; narcissists build extreme defenses in order to never let this vulnerable part of themselves be known to others.

They fear that if they were to be seen as their true selves (insecure and scared), their ego would be unable to handle the shame of it and it would result in a shattering of the psyche. This is the most terrifying idea in existence and narcissists would do anything to avoid this including harming others if it means their vulnerable self won’t be “seen”.

Covert narcissists also want to be seen as important and special, however, they often go about this in a different way. The word covert is a bit misleading and maybe should be changed, but a big difference between overt and covert is that overt narcissists will very clearly ask for admiration, whereas covert narcissists will use tactics such as fake self-depreciation to get others to compliment them.

The “insecurity” they portray is purely an act to gain sympathy and power. They are harder to spot, as a key factor in diagnosing narcissistic personality disorder is a sense of grandiosity and importance, which a covert narcissist will not be as free to admit. They will sometimes use their own suffering as a way to seem special and important as well.

This is clearly seen in Jennette’s story about her mother making them watch her “goodbye” video every single night. We learn through Jennette that her mother, Debra, had stage four breast cancer and was not expected to survive. She filmed a video of herself for her kids singing them lullabies. Which seems like a very thoughtful thing to do.

Except her mom did survive. Still, it is a nightly ritual in their household that they have to watch the video and listen to her mom’s shaming commentary throughout the watching. Debra shames her kids and Jennette every time they watch it that Jennette ruined the moment by singing Jingle Bells in the background of the video. Jennette was four years old at the time! But for her mother, this is not an excuse for stealing the spotlight in her goodbye video.  

It seems that Debra delights in the idea of herself being a martyr (her ideal image), and watching her children cry and feel sad for her that she was sick. She also likes to not-so-subtly remind them that the cancer could come back at any moment. In the retellings of the stories and vague hints, Debra reiterated that they always need to be grateful and appreciate her. I actually felt nauseous reading this part, as it was so clearly harmful to her kids and all for Debra’s own benefit. She wanted to feel powerful and revered, and what a perfectly discreet way to do this because it masqueraded as family bonding time. This was told in the first chapter of the book, and it really solidified the reasoning behind the title for me.

Narcissists often view their children as parts of themselves. They will often favor the child who most closely mimics their own behaviors, as it makes them feel secure. Jennette is the only daughter in the family, and fits the image that her mother wanted as a child herself.

We can see early on that Debra views Jennette as an opportunity to “right the wrong” that she feels has been done to her. She also sees how deeply Jennette craves her approval and attention. Debra tells her daughter that she wanted to be an actress, but her parents couldn’t afford it. In an attempt to gain her mother’s love and support, Jennette agrees to try acting but it quickly spirals into her mother living vicariously through her.

She also hands over control to her mother, who abuses the power given to her by encouraging Jennette to restrict calories to avoid puberty, invading Jennette’s body in disturbing ways, and making her continue acting even though Jennette hates it.

The Desire to Be Loved, Seen … and Free

 I empathize with Jennette on a deep level. All she wants, all any child wants, is to be loved and seen. That’s it. Jennette quickly learns that her mother’s love is conditional, and only given if Jennette allows her mother to control her entire life. But even that is not enough. Jennette succeeds in gaining fame and fortune, and it is not enough. Jennette succeeds in getting to her mom’s goal weight of 89 pounds. She believes telling her mom this information will magically wake her from the coma her mother is in.

It is not enough.

None of it will ever be enough because now that Debra’s dream has been reached by Jennette, Debra comes to realize that she is not Jennette. She cannot switch bodies with her daughter, and the jealousy begins. Jennette tragically learns that even giving over complete control to a narcissist will not make them happy, it will only make them feel more entitled and envious that they cannot be you. So instead, they will try to take everything for themselves, and knock you down in the process.

I understand why Jennette titled the book the way she did. It is not intended to be mean. It is just a reality. She is glad her mom died, because if she were alive, I don’t think Jennette would have been able to get out of that toxic relationship. She would still be in it to this day, chasing the love she deserved but never received.

We see even how difficult it is for Jennette to not listen to her mother, even after her mother has died. Her mother’s last wish (rather demand) of Jennette is to sing “Wind Beneath my Wings” at her funeral. Jennette practices over and over but cannot reach the high notes. She believes that her mother is in heaven looking down on her, ready to tattle to God himself if she doesn’t sing it. It is a momentous struggle for her. Will she sing it? Won’t she? She really doesn’t want to. Finally, it seems, her needs overtake her mother’s for the first time in her life. She sobs and is physically incapable of singing through her grief while giving her eulogy. Her body makes the decision for her.

 It marks a turning point unconsciously for Jennette. Her mother cannot force her to do anything anymore, even though her mother tried her best to control Jennette even after death.

Jennette chooses herself. While this was Jennette’s first taste of freedom, it is a terrifying feeling to have no one controlling you for the first time. The open air seems too vast, like one may float aimlessly forever, never again touching the ground. Jennette’s psyche realizes she cannot deal with this amount of ambiguity, and uses Bulimia Nervosa to help herself regain a feeling of control and groundedness. Immediately following the funeral, she purges for the first time.

Bulimia also serves as a substitute mother figure in some ways for Jennette, as it also uses restriction, shame, and controls her body functions just like her mom used to do. She finds comfort in the symptoms, and helps her survive the grief of losing her mother. However, just like with OCD (and her own mother), it ends up causing more harm her instead of alleviating distress. Luckily, Jennette does find balance through her own work in therapy and through the support of people who truly love and care for her.

I really could write about twenty more pages analyzing this book. I doubt anyone wants to read a blog post that long though! So I will wrap it up here for now, and maybe part two will be soon to follow? I want to thank Jennette McCurdy for her courage, articulation and humor throughout sharing her story. She is a true inspiration. I cannot recommend enough that you read this book.

“I’m Glad My Mom Died” is available on Amazon.com, other online booksellers and at local bookstores.

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